God Brought Me out of the Fog

I was born with a blood disorder and an immune dysfunction that caused me to have severe medical problems all my life. I have struggled since childhood with feelings of inadequacy: I felt I wasn’t pretty enough, not slim enough, not doing things correctly or well enough, not being a good enough friend, etc. To compensate for these feelings, beginning in my early teens, I became the “go to” person for everyone and everything. I thought I had to be a woman who could work full time, manage the company, handle the children and husband, run the household, and still be ready to do anything else. I could always be counted on to do a good job no matter what it was, but I ended up controlling all situations (emotional, physical, material) for family, friends, work, etc. What an exhausting way to live! I wondered if people liked me for me, or if they were just pretending to like me so I’d continue doing everything for them.

In 2001, I suffered the murders of my father and my daughter. I immediately tried to make sure my mom, who witnessed the murders, and the rest of my four children were all handling things. I never dealt with my own feelings or grief. A few years later, my husband was diagnosed with several neurological conditions, two of which are terminal. Again, I jumped into taking him to doctors, clinics, etc., while still working, and not dealing with these life changes. In the midst of all this, I struggled with the feeling that I was not where I was supposed to be or doing what I was supposed to be doing, but I had no clue how to change it.

In the summer of 2005, my husband started taking interest in another woman. His doctors had told us this would probably happen due to behavioral and personality changes caused by his condition. But I was in “in sickness and in health,” and he convinced me he wasn’t interested in anyone else, he just wanted to move out of state before he got too much worse so he could enjoy what years he had left.

We came to look for a home in Idaho Falls, and I knew as soon as I put my feet on the ground that this is where God wanted me. We moved into our house in June 2006. In the first week, my husband’s phone calls to and from his “friend” were 30 per day; she was his first call each morning and his last call every night. We filed for divorce in November. He purchased a house a mile down the road from me and moved his “friend” in.

With all these issues and my difficult health situation, I eventually developed chronic fatigue and Epstein Barr. My white and red blood cells were never anywhere near the normal ranges. My doctor advised me to change my lifestyle and go to therapy or I would probably die before I was 50! Not having dealt with these issues before—my health, my divorce, grief, the emotions—I spent the next few years in a fog.

Fortunately, I met several outstanding people in those years, and I got back to my relationship with the Lord! Last summer, I attended my first Healed and Set Free class, and I was blessed to have Vicki McKinney as my facilitator. Boy, I didn’t realize how much work was ahead! I had to pray consistently for weeks to even begin giving up control of everything. I stuck to seeing what was in my heart and forgiving myself and others. Then I could give it to God and forget it! Learning to pray, listen to God, and use the tools made such a profound difference that I signed up again! I wanted to be sure I was on the right track. I felt freed by the knowledge that God loves me. Yes, just the way I am. I don’t have to be the best or the one in control. Once I really understood this concept, the peace and acceptance were absolute!

I use the Healed and Set Free tools almost daily as memories or new situations come up. As soon as something creeps in, I immediately banish Satan and the thoughts and turn to God. I used to wish for peace in my soul, never knowing how to get it. But now I have peace in my relationship with God, and I can just enjoy being a mom and grandma. And I thank Tammy Brown for sharing her story and developing this phenomenal tool called Healed and Set Free!