Our second child, a beautiful boy, was born when I was 29, about 28 years ago. I had been a Christian four years. David Judah was born deaf. I was SCARED – “How do I raise a deaf child?” ANGRY – “Why me Lord, when I have been trying to follow you?” CONFUSED – “Why would a good God who loves me allow deafness?”
DISAPPOINTED – “Why is my husband not responding to David’s deafness the way I think he should?” Because I was a Christian I knew these feelings were wrong so I just began to stuff them down. I just kept PRETENDING I was okay.
I did not know how to apply God’s word to my personal life. It seemed to me that there were no other Christians with my bad attitudes and feelings. I did not SEE my negative, judgmental, and unforgiving thoughts as sin.
I felt like this Jesus/Christian thing just did NOT work or make me happy. I chose my own way of dealing with my hurts and disappointments, adultery. I thought another man would make me happy. I was WRONG. My life began a downward, self-absorbed cycle. I was tearing down my house with my own hands. I was trying to ease my pain – but instead my pain became much worse. I fought with my kids and husband. I did not provide meals or a welcoming environment in our home. Me, me, me, consumed my thoughts. I was so tormented; I could not sleep at night and ended up in a mental hospital. It was there that I finally turned again to the Lord.
At that time, I was not familiar with Healed and Set Free Ministry’s “Tools to Become Set Free – SEE, GIVE, FORGIVE, FORGET, and BECOME SET FREE”. Looking back, what God showed me is the same basic principles. He led me to: 1) recognize and acknowledge my negative thoughts. I had to get alone with God to vent and cry – telling Him all. 2) Confess and repent all of my sinful thoughts, actions and emotions. In that process the Lord gave me the strength to unconditionally forgive, – myself and others. 3) I gave it all over to God, surrendering my will and asking Him to help me see and obey His will. And, 4) I needed to read God’s word daily renewing my mind with the truth.
I felt Jesus was showing me to confess my sin of adultery to my husband, and to ask him to forgive me. It was soooo hard to trust Jesus and tell my husband. I thought my husband would divorce me and take our two children. He had every right. I knew the Bible said divorce was okay if adultery was involved. I was depressed, lost, and I really felt like I was crazy. I knew trusting Jesus had to be better than how I felt at the time, so I finally surrendered to His will. The day I told the truth to my husband, he took me home from the mental hospital and we began a new life together.
Jesus has restored my sanity, marriage, and relationship with my children. He has truly made something beautiful out of my life. Daily for the past 17 years I have tried to see, give, forgive, forget and be set free. When I first completed the Healed and Set Free Bible Study I knew God was giving me confirmation that I needed to be honest with Him every day and apply His word to my life. I try to tell Jesus, daily, all my feelings and ask Him to make me obedient to Him. I never, ever, ever want to lean on my own understanding again. Jesus has given me peace, a good marriage and a purpose for living. The Bible says God shows no partiality. What Jesus has done for me he will do for you. As I facilitate Healed and Set Free Bible Studies, I see many women begin to live victorious lives. Hebrews 9:14 says the blood of Jesus will cleanse our conscience from sin, so we may serve the living God.